Wow...3 months later and I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life.  I feel much more optimistic about things, but the uncertainty is starting to get frightening.  I feel like I'm living in the calm before the storm.  Incredible things are about to start happening to me if I can just get the courage to commit and chase after I want.

I know I want to make a difference.  I know I don't want to squander my God-given talents.  To whom much is given, much is expected.  I've had gifts piled upon me with both hands and if I can just get the courage and fortitude to start using them, I know my life will be amazing.

And yet...procrastination and apathy are such tempting companions.  It's a true dichotomy.  One that I've been fighting against all my life.  Oh well.

I'm generally happy and like I put on my Facebook--sometimes the dreams of happiness can be as fulfilling as the happiness itself.  Now we'll see if I can ever strap on a pair and go get what I've been pining for over the past six months.  Something tells me not, but that's ok.

See you in another 3 months, nonexistent Xanga readers ;)

KT ^_^

Had another mini-meltdown last night and can now say that I have officially literally cried myself to sleep.  At this rate, it's only a matter of time before Mount Katie turns into a volcano and spews molten crazy everywhere like last spring.  For Michael's sake, I can only hope that it doesn't happen in his living room again.

Why are we all expected to walk around with these facades of perfection when we are slowly chipping away inside?  I think everything would be easier to handle if I could just wear my misery on my sleeve just for one day.  The hardest part is the way that I just can't get my brain to stop firing all of my faults and insecurities at me for even one second.  When you're trying to sleep and the tears are flowing because every religious, educational, fillial, and physical flaw you have is tap dancing around your brain...well, it can be rather draining.

Oh well.  The sun is shining and it's looking to be a lovely day.  Plus I'm in Day 2 of Urban Plunge where we actually get to do some volunteer work.  God willing, helping others that are less fortunate than myself will put all of my crazy into perspective.  I just can't stop thinking about how messed up it is that I can feel such intense love and activism toward others when I completely loathe myself 98% of the time.  Definitely something to work on.

Liz posted a rare Xanga a few days ago, so I thought I might as well follow suit.  Jack from Starbucks left a lovely quote on my Facebook wall this evening, and it got me thinking about quotes that have meant a lot to me over the years.  This passage really stood out in my mind, especially with graduation a mere 7 months away.

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.

From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.  One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Atilla and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.

I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just becuase I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose.  I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped ot the ground at my feet."

--Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

This passage doesn't make me feel nearly as emo as it did when I was in high school, but I still feel a strong affinity to it.  Sometimes I feel that I have such a difficult time because I want so much out of life that I can't seem to limit myself to one thing.  Sure makes chosing a profession difficult.

~*~verite*~*beaute~*~liberte*~*amour~*~

KT ^_^

PS--Happy Halloween! :)